Greetings!

Seattle Weekly: April Fool: The 22 things about Seattle we wish were a joke.

I am not sure what I will do with this blog, exactly, but I'll start by sharing this with you.

For posterity, here's the list, David Letterman style (you can go to any one of these by changing the number at the end of the link given above):

22. Seattleites will pay through the nose to eat off a truck.

Yes, Seattle found a way to appropriate something cool about Portland and screw it up all in the same move.

21. After 25 years on the radio, Steve Scher still can't ask a simple question.

Refers to the iconic public radio host on KUOW, whom I never listen to. So I don't get it, but I'm sure it's true.

20. Grown men in major-league uniforms think they own the fields at Cal Anderson Park.

Since we only very rarely get the weather to do it, Seattleites are OMGSRS about their outdoor recreation. So this is of little surprise.

19. Our greatest political dynasty is the Roaches.

Refers to State Sen. Pamela Roach and her son, Stephen. Well, greatest living dynasty anyway.

18. The more they get busted for prostitution, the more Seattle's strip clubs attract customers.

Well, that, and also a bad economy. Colacurcio is a pissed-off reincarnation of Doc Maynard, most likely. Just like about everything else, he turns Seattle's official sex-negative culture into a national laughingstock.

17. The most hated man in Montlake was hired to coach the Seahawks.

Yeah, the hiring the former head coach of USC has got both the UW and Southern Cal alums at work in full panty-twist mode. Hilarious

16. Parking on Laura Onstot's street has been severely impacted by nearby construction.

Onstot is a journalist at SW. The William Wallace sign is priceless.

15. Legalizing medical marijuana has produced a new wave of violent crime.

It is a rather deadly irony. On the other hand, if people who needed it could just go to Walgreens, they could get their doob from the same "time-release safe" that has the Oxycontin.

14. Seattle's mayor appears to think he was elected head of an improv troupe.

I didn't think it was possible to outdouchebag Greg Nickels, but McGinn is giving it a good run, that's for sure.

13. You must move two restaurant tables over to avoid corrupting your child.

The ghost of Arthur Denny strikes again. Somebody call in the Ghostbusters.

12. A city renowned for liberal alterna-culture has spawned a nose-ringed alterna-tea party leader.

Um, what happens when you catch that ring when someone tea--no, not going to go there. Besides, we already have the Discovery Institute, so don't act surprised. When we do right-wing crap in this city we don't stop at going halfway.

11. Classmates.com is hiring.

Yeah, pretty ridiculous when geeks (and nearly everyone else) are scrambling for work in other cities. AOL, IBM, and CA are laying off huge--but you can always get a job at Classmates if you're willing to move to Seattle! That reminds me--I need to cancel my account.

10. Seattle-style businesses have annexed White Center before before the government can get around to it.

White Center (a neighborhood bordering the southern extent of West Seattle/Westwood) is turning into a Bizarro-world version of Portland's Hawthorne/Sunnyside district, so obviously it's too cool for Seattle to touch.

9. Puppets are the signature device of the city's theatrical avant garde

You used "theatrical avant garde" in an article talking about Seattle? I guess this really is an April Fools joke!

8. Jan Drago still draws a check from the taxpayers.

Drago is an obnoxious yeswoman of rightwing economic thinktanks, the NFIB, and the BIAW--like Dino Rossi, this is someone we'll probably never be rid of.

7. The pomegranite martini is served every night of the week.

The martini: Another hip thing that Seattle has managed to screw up. Though martinis haven't been cool for about 10 years. BUT JUST SAYIN'.

6. A dipshit teenager from Camano Island is outsmarting the FBI.

Refers to Colton Harris-Moore. If Colacurcio is the 21st-century Maynard, Harris-Moore is the 21st-century Patkanim. If you read about Seattle's history through Prohibition this will be less of a mystery. Somehow even the Feds turn into Keystone Kops up here.

5. Microsoft has introduced the first cell phone with a seven-syllable name.

Yeah, if Apple ever gets tired of California, they're going to have plenty of choice real estate in Redmond, Bellevue, and Issaquah to choose from pretty soon. Though apparently "Series" has since been dropped from the name, so now it's only 5 syllables! There's hope after all.

4. Every woman who isn't a yoga teacher is now a burlesque dancer.

Though I don't appreciate the tone of this one, it does make you want to hang your head in shame and slowly exhale.

3. The man who left Seattle completely overrun with drug dealers is now the nation's drug czar.

This is not an entirely fair critique of Kerlikowske, but it is another serious irony. Most of the increase in crime in Seattle (euphemistically referred to as "street disorder") started in the last year of his tenure. It's the City Council who failed to address the problem the SPD has in acquiring sufficient officers to engage in community policing. I'll be writing on this issue AT GREAT LENGTH, don't you worry.

2. Washington State Ferries has removed all the clocks from Colman Dock because it can't get them to tell the correct time.

That explains a lot. Can't really expect an agency to keep the boats from crashing into the docks if they can't figure out how to set a clock or even find their nearest Brookstone.

1. The best we can do for a sex scandal is a tepid tag session between a pro-sports C-lister and a city-council aide.

Yeah....